I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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