This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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