Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
