Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
