I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
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So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
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How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
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