My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
