Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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