I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
