whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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