i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
