She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
