do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize