My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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