i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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