Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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