I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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