when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
