On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
