Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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