i need an iv and a liver transplant
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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