dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
