She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
