Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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