Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
