before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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