It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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