After last night, I could never be a politician.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
only you would photoshop your dick
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
