Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
