I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
