The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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