Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
That was before I lit my hair on fire
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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