oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
