Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
