explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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