She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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