Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
