I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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