I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
