Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
