Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
