i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
