Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
