Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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