I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
