I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
