if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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