i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
