I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize