I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
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Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
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Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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