i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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