I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
