I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
