I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
