Screwed.edu
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
