What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Randomize
