Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
