I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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