Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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