Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
