Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
