Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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